


I Heard a Shout

by spun809



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Psychosis, Reader is struggling with mental illness, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Tumblr Challenge, bipolar I, negative self-talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 03:49:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10296806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spun809/pseuds/spun809
Summary: This is for @letsgetoutalive allieschallege on Tumblr, The reader is struggling with Bipolar I depression and psychosis and the boys + Cas help her out.





	

You groaned inwardly, your foot had landed directly on one of the sandwiches Dean kept making you, but you kept leaving on the floor barely eaten. Rubbing bits of dried bread and cheese onto the carpet, you made your way to the bathroom. It was silent in the bunker, you know Sam had told you something earlier about heading out somewhere but you had barely heard him. The last few weeks had been blurry to you. 

At first you told the boys you were sick and couldn’t go on a couple of hunts but soon you had stopped coming up with excuses. After that you stopped answering their calls to get help with research. Finally you had retreated to your room; that was three days ago. The only time you left was to go to the bathroom, you couldn’t remember the last time you showered or ate anything. It just didn’t matter to you. Sam and Dean had believed you were sick at first but then Sam had started to question you. 

“Hey y/n? How have you been doing lately?” He glanced at you nervously, like he didn’t want to spook you. 

“I’m fine Sam it’s just the flu or something,” you knew he didn’t mean psychically but you weren’t sure how to talk to someone about how you were feeling. 

“You know you can tell me about it, no judgement. I just want you to know I am here for you.” Sam put his hand on your shoulder but you just shrugged him off and went to your room. 

Then there was Dean, he was more subtle. That’s probably why you had such a huge crush on him, he was like you he didn’t want to have talks about feelings. Instead he worked even harder to get you to laugh by telling you dumb jokes. You knew he really was trying to help when he came to you after you had retreated to your room, “I brought you some food,” you heard him set down the plate on your side table. You didn’t get up or even acknowledge him, you just laid there starting at a spot on the floor. 

The other side of your bed dipped as Dean sat down, “why don’t you come watch a movie with us, Cas is here, you could try explaining Donnie Darko to him.” After a few minutes of your silence you felt him get up and heard the snick of your door closing. 

Dean kept bringing you food and water, he would try and talk to you and you just laid there. It felt like your whole body was filled with sand, when you tried to move you felt exhausted. For how much your body felt slow your brain was busy, it started with the constant self put downs. You were too weak to be a hunter, to be with someone as good and noble as the Winchester’s. Then how you were too stupid, too crazy, worthless. It made you want to be away from Sam and Dean before they figured out just how horrible you were. Then one day you were sitting in the library of the bunker trying to at least help the boys with the case they were working. 

You heard someone say in an echoing tone, “help me,” it sounded like a young women and you looked all around the room but found nothing. You kept hearing the same voice, the same words, but nothing else indicated a typical haunting or supernatural occurrence. That was enough to keep you in bed, but the voice didn’t stop. The last day that you remembered the guys being there you had an episode, you told Sam that you felt something crawling in your ear, you needed Cas to come help you, heal you. 

By the time Cas showed up you had calmed down a little and were laying back down. “Y/n, Sam said you needed my assistance,” you rolled over and saw the ever rumpled looking angel peering down at you, his face creased with worry.

“I feel something, something crawling in here,” you tapped on your ear. His fingers rested on your forehead and you waited to be magically healed, but after his hand was gone you could still feel it. “Cas, what’s wrong? Why didn’t it work?” 

“I’m not certain, I think I may need assistance from Sam and Dean.” He looked positively crushed and you felt concerned but then you heard the voice and felt the burrowing again and rolled back over clutching your head. Shortly after that Sam had come and told you they were going somewhere but you couldn’t think straight. 

Which brought you back to your dirty foot and needing too pee. Glancing in the bathroom mirror you felt disgusted. Your hair was greasy and you had giant black circles around your eyes, because even though all you did was lay in bed you hadn’t been able to sleep. Staring at your reflection something in you started to break, you wanted to cry or to scream but nothing would come out. 

The voice called out again, “ help me,” it was louder and it just kept repeating. You couldn’t take it anymore, you opened up the medicine cabinet and pulled out the box of razor blades that Dean kept in the back, he always used the old fashioned kind saying it gave a, smoother shave, right now you were glad he ditched the disposables. After a while you bandaged yourself and feeling defeated padded back to your room. 

“Y/n, you awake?” It was Dean he was speaking quietly but of course you were awake. 

“What Dean? Did you guys figure out what is going on with me yet?” You felt Dean sit on your bed again. 

“I need you to get up and put on some clothes and meet us in the library.” Dean voice was firm but you could tell it was laced with worry. 

“I can’t Dean, just have Cas use his mojo in here.” You couldn’t move or do anything. 

You felt Dean get up and figured he was going to get Cas, then you heard the drawer of your dresser open, “I am going to help you alright, just put these on,” you rolled over and saw him put a pile of clothes on the side of your bed, he had also grabbed your brush and a hair tie. “OK sit up,” you did as he asked, curious as to why he was doing all this for you. “Now turn around,” your back was facing him and you felt him brush your hair, sort of grossed out since you hadn’t showered, but he didn’t seem to mind as he put your hair into a pony tail. “Take your time, get dressed and come down, alright?” You nodded at Dean and watched him leave and you pulled on the clothes he picked out, smiling for a split second as you pulled on a Winchester worthy flannel button up he had chosen. 

When you finally got to the library and saw the boys and Cas sitting around the table all with serious looks drawn on their faces you felt so overwhelmed you almost turned right back around. Sam could sense your hesitation and he got up, “we just want to talk to you, please come sit down.” He steered you to your typical chair, there was a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of water in front of you. 

"Your malnourished y/n and dehydrated, please eat something,” Cas said and looked so earnestly you took mercy and forced down a bite, and then sipped your water while waiting for them to start talking. 

They said nothing so you started, “Ok guys so what’s wrong with me? Is it a conworm or maybe some mystical sickness?” 

“No,” Cas finally answered, “your illness is not of the supernatural variety.” “Then why didn’t it work when you tried to heal me?” You couldn’t understand. Cas could fix almost anything. 

Sam spoke up next, Cas was looking uncomfortable and Dean was looking at his hands. “Do you remember when Cas tried to heal my Lucifer hallucinations?” 

“Are you saying I lost my soul?” It seemed like a possibility with how empty you felt. 

“No y/n , what Sam is trying to say is that the brain is more complicated than a simple physical aliment.” Cas stepped in again, “your distress is caused by mental illness and what you need is a human doctor who can help you with the symptoms, although,” he hesitated, “I think I should heal these,” he pulled up your sleeve reveling the bandages from where you cut open your arms earlier. 

Dean was eyeing you now, his expression was unreadable. You pulled your arm away from Cas, “so I’m crazy, too crazy to be fixed by an angel.” You felt destroyed and completely broken. The tears that refused to fall earlier clouded your vision, you started to sob it wracked your entire body and you slumped onto the ground. Dimly you heard Dean tell Cas and Sam to give you a minute. Strong arms wrapped around your body. There was no talking, just your face pressing deeper into Dean’s chest, trying to muffle the sound of your crying. Eventually, your tears started to run out and when you stopped crying you pulled away from the man who held you. 

You were so embarrassed, knowing you were just proving that you were weak. Getting to your feet you went to leave, but Dean stopped you. “ Y/n, please just let me say something,” you faced him waiting for him to tell you to leave before your crazy contaminated them all. “I am not the best person to tell you to talk about your feelings, I know I can be closed off,” his eye leaked out a tear and he grabbed your arm, “but this,” he ran his hands over your bandages, “I love you too much to let you struggle by yourself. I am going to help you every step of the way, I will sit with you in therapy, help you take your medications.” You couldn’t believe what he was saying, that this man who had always been so against chick flick moments was willing to do all of this to help you. Then he continued, “because you are strong and funny and so smart and I know that dealing with whatever this is doesn’t define you.” He pulled you into a hug and you let him, let him do his best to give you comfort.

It was not magic though, you rubbed your ear absently, it still felt crappy. “I think I am going to go lay down, OK?” Removing yourself from him you walked out of the library. 

Pausing briefly you looked back, Dean was sitting with his head cradled in his palms. Thinking about what to do next was beyond you. Opening your door prepared to fling yourself in bed and then your breath caught in your throat. Sam was sitting on your bed holding onto a crumpled photo, and he had been crying. You thought about leaving but you were too tired to try and find another space in the bunker, “Sam? I was going to lay down.” 

His hair fell into his face as he looked up at you, it made him seem so much younger. “Will you let me lay with you for a while?” You nodded at his question and he moved over to one side to give you room next to him. Once you were in bed again your brain started to race, you wondered what you were going to do next. It would be hard to go talk to some stranger about all of this, and there was a horrible part of you that felt like they wouldn’t be able to help anyway. Sam was rubbing your arm gently, then you heard the voice again. You tensed your arm, wanting to cover your ears but you knew it wouldn’t help. 

“What do you hear?” Sam didn’t treat you like a nut job, in fact, you knew he had been in this exact same situation.

“It’s just a voice, saying ‘help me’, sometimes it is just once but other times it just repeats.” You felt better just having someone listen without judgement, “other times I get this feeling like something is crawling in my ear,” Sam nodded waiting for you to continue. “ The thing is, what if they lock me up Sam? I don’t want to go to the hospital.” You were so scared that they would put you in some white padded room while you screamed into a corner. 

Sam held your hand, “we actually did some research, not everyone that has hallucinations has to stay in the hospital. Also there are plenty of places that aren’t so bad in the short term to get you more intensive help, the thing is y/n, this,” he pointed to your arm, “ is dangerous and you need professional help to make sure you stay safe.” 

So you agreed, you drove to the nearest impatient hospital, even though you were scared to get out of the car you did it because you weren’t alone. The boys and your angel sat with you while you told the admitting staff the truth. Everything poured out of you, the depression, the voices, the strange feelings and lastly the reason why you had hurt yourself and the fact that you were suicidal. At the mentions of how you wanted to die to escape the numbness and the constant onslaught of things that weren’t there you felt Dean squeeze your hand. 

They admitted you, after talking to a therapist and telling them your history. They determined that you also had periods mania. It was all of this that added up to bipolar I. They put you on medications in the hospital and even though your hallucinations didn’t go away and you still felt depressed they told you to give it time. 

 

1 year later 

You got up from bed and grabbed a glass of water to take your pills. You had been feeling a little down but knew you could talk about that in therapy tomorrow. 

“Hey babe,” Dean came over to you and kissed your forehead, “what do you want for breakfast?” 

Getting a diagnosis and being at the hospital turned out to be the easy part. The other stuff trying to force yourself to be open and to be strong when you felt so weak at times was much harder, but you did it, because you realized that you had people who really cared. 

There had been days in the last year that were so hard you didn’t think you could make it through, times when you were on the wrong medications and the voice was worse. Other times when you felt the crippling depression creep up on you out of nowhere. Still day by day you fought, not giving up or giving in. You reached out when you were struggling, told Sam when you felt the crawling or heard a voice and he would talk to you about random facts to distract you. If you felt like you were too depressed to get out of bed you would tell Cas and he would sit with you and tell you about all of the things about humanity which amazed him, including your strength. Then there was Dean in general. 

Dean hadn’t lied he had come to some appointments with you. He helped to remind you to take your medication of bad days. Other times he would remind you of safe coping skills. Always there, never with hesitation, you felt like you were moving forward. Things were better now more under control. Your therapist told you that your symptoms wouldn’t go away but with medication and therapy and being open with your support system that things would get easier, and it was. 

“How about pancakes and bacon?” You held Dean’s hand and smiled up at him. Taking a moment to enjoy the simple parts of life that made it bearable.

**Author's Note:**

> I personally struggle with some of these issues so I hope that I did it justice. There are aspects of being suicidal and self harming in this story as those are symptoms that can go along with many different mental illnesses. I hope that if you are struggling with any mental health issue you know that there are people who want to help even if it doesn’t seem like it.


End file.
